Two Talk
by PartiPooper
Summary: Cartman asks, demands, and bribes Kyle to say a certain something with two syllables and four letters that was given to the brunet at birth, and Kyle gets a great deal on a kiss. (Fluffy Kyman Drabble; Rated T for profanities.)


"Come on, Jew, say it."

"I…I can't."

"Two syllables, Kyle!"

"Yeah, but…"

"Christ, how stupid are you?"

"It's not that! It's just that…"

"Just what?"

"It's…_weird_."

"Why?"

"It just is, okay?!"

"Oh my Christ, just say it already!"

"Okay, okay! Just give me a chance to…"

"To what?"

"To collect myself. This is hard."

"No, my dick when you wear tight pants is hard. Four letters are not."

"But there's more to it than _that_."

"No there isn't. You say it and I'm happy, and that's it."

"But…"

"Doesn't my happiness matter to you, Kyle?"

"When you're pestering me like this, no, it doesn't."

"…I'll give you a dollar if you say it."

"…Five?"

"Tree fiddy."

"Done. Alright, here goes…"

"Anytime today would be great, Jew."

"Shut up!…Eric…"

"What was that? Speak up, I couldn't quite hear you."

"…Eric."

"Nope, sorry, didn't catch that, you're gonna have to-"

"Eric! Eric Eric Eric Eric Eric!"

"Ah, that's better, I can hear you now. Well, Jew, how was that?"

"Awful. I feel like I need to wash my mouth out with soap."

"As if. It was fine and you know it, so you were pussy-footing for nothing."

"Whatever. Just give me my tree fiddy already."

"If you kiss me."

"Yeah, right. That'll be a chance as fat as you."

"Ay!"

"Unless you pay me five dollars."

"_Five dorra?!_…Tree fiddy?"

"Five."

"Ugh, fine. You're the most expensive prostitute I've ever been with."

"Calling me a prostitute just bumped it up to six."

"Agh, goddamnit, you stingy Jew!"

"Seven."

"Fuck!"

"Do you still want a kiss from me?"

"No. There's probably shit in your mouth anyway, since you're a fucking asshole."

"Eight."

"Christ's sake!"

"Please offend me twice more. Ten dollars would be a nice, round sum to gain."

"I hate you."

"Nine."

"So much."

"Ten."

"Can I kiss you now?"

"What's the magic word?"

"Abracadabra."

"Do you want a kiss or not?"

"Ugh!…_Please!_"

"Well, since you asked so nicely…"

"…"

"How was that?"

"Overpriced."

"Ha! Fuck off, Fatass."

"You first."

"With pleasure."

"…Hey, wait, where are you going?"

"Off. I'm fucking off."

"Well don't."

"Do you want me to fuck off or not? Make up your mind."

"Not. Never fuck off."

"Urgh. This is bordering on mushy territory."

"I'm gonna go full mush if you don't get your ass back here this instant."

"Fine, fine, I'm coming back…Look, I'm back now. Happy?"

"Very…"

"…Ugh, no, don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"Kiss me. Don't kiss me. Your breath smells."

"Yeah? Well the whole of you smells."

"You smell worse."

"You smell worser."

"Worser isn't even a thing, dumbass."

"It is now."

"Says who?"

"Me. I made it a thing."

"On whose authority?"

"Mine. My authority. Respect it."

"Like hell I will."

"_R.E.S.P.E.C.T._"

"No, don't sing."

"_Find out what it means to me._"

"Stop it."

"_R.E.S.P.E.C.T._"

"I mean it."

"_Take care, TC-_ Ow! That hurt!"

"Good. It was meant to."

"You're a bitch."

"And you're a bastard. Literally."

"Ouch. That's below the belt."

"Awh, what are you gonna do? Cry?"

"No! Crying's for fags."

"You _are_ a fag, Cartman."

"So are you, Kyle."

"…Touché."

"Yup. You're a fag. I'm a fag. We're both fags. So us two fags, we should probably make out."

"…"

"Yeah?"

"…Yeah, a little bit."

"Awesome. C'mere then…"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**And then they did the bow-chicka-wow-wow, the end. Or, if you prefer asexual Kyman, they just cuddled after making out. Whatever you want.  
Anyway, I thought it'd be fun to write an entirely dialogue-dependent fic, and I was right. It was very fun, what with Kyle and Cartman being foul-mouthed and rude towards each other, and especially when including references from the show (I applaud you if you caught them). It's not very long, but I feel accomplished, having gone out of my comfort zone and attempted a form of writing unusual for me. I won't likely be writing like this again, but it felt nice to experiment.  
Also, Kyle saying Cartman's first name is very important to me, so I simply _had_ to write about it. It's like the defining moment where Kyle accepts Cartman as something more than a spiteful childhood frienemy.  
Thanks for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


End file.
